Toothless Pool Sharks and a night out in the smallest inbred town in the world.
That Evening in Hens absence I agreed to accompany Ryan to her graduation ceremony, Mags and Erich were going there as well, I figured it might be a fun piss up, besides I felt a bit of cabin fever creeping in.
Weird would be an understatement. I was at a graduation ceremony held entirely in a language I can’t understand for someone who was not there. At least there was free sherry, but oh how a longed for a cold beer.
After the ceremony, we headed into Phalaborawa for a drink and dinner. The Buffalo Grill beckoned. As we entered a waitress greeted us and asked if we would be eating.
“I want to grill a buffalo” I responded with a grin…. A blank confused and slightly horrified face stared back at me.
At least I got a cold beer. Then another… then several more. I’m not sure exactly at what point I became totally shit faced, but boy did it happen. Probably about the time I ordered my food. A “caveman steak” – a 600 gram cow hide.
“How would you like it sir?” Asked the waiter
“Ah just pull of its Horns and wipe its’ ass!” I shouted with somewhat of a slur (I was on form tonight!).
As the beer was downed I made several trips to the toilet to be somewhat alarmed to see 27 large urinal cakes in the pisser (yes I counted). Who needs 27 urinal cakes? Surely that is a bit excessive. Just how stinky is South African Piss? Mags’ was not as impressed with my discovery it seems: she threw all her water over me (3 times) after I told her that I had counted 27 urinal cakes in the toilet for the 5th time.
From the restaurant we ended up in Arrows sports bar where I was challenged to game of pool by a toothless hustler. He was overly friendly towards me as he had “never met anybody from abroad before”. What the fuck is wrong with these people! His friend a fat bird took a shine to me and pinched my ass. I told her in somewhat cutting terms to forget it. Mags was once again displeased as she thought I was being really mean, but she soon perked up a bit, well until I informed her that this place had 71 urinal cakes in the toilet and yes I did count them – I had a very long piss.
The toothless wonder then only just beat me at pool. A hell of an achievement considering I could not see the cue ball as I was blind drunk and using a pool cue for a 7 year old. Trust me we were both shit.
After that I laid down some moves and some serious air guitar, clearly these small town farmers were not expecting this as I draw quite an appreciative crowd. (In reality I was line dancing and probably an utter wanker).
When we eventually got home at 3.30 I had a swim and then drove into a hippo that happened to be grazing at the front door of Hippo cottage. I decided it would be great fun to go up to it and slap it on the arse, but it ran off. Good job too as they are extremely dangerous!
