Go Go Bars with one complete and utter moron and the ugly aftermath.
Allow me to introduce Brian. Brian is not only gibbering – I’ve done far too may drugs in my lifetime – shaking wreck, he is also South African/ Irish which makes him somewhat of an alcoholic and hard to understand even when he is sober (a rarity). About 38 years old going on 50, he is a washed out DJ who has played along with the likes of Paul Oakenfold and used to be a resident at Fabric in London. Brian is a nice guy, but also an utter moron. When he is not drinking “Chang” (Elephant beer: a mother fucker of a beer that weighs in at 6.4% and is mixed with formaldehyde and aids: This not only gives you a hangover, it buries you), he is smoking weed like it is life giving oxygen, when he is not doing that he is fucked off his face on Valium. In any of these three states you can guarantee that he is wearing the same vest he always has on – a white “Chang beer” vest. I have had to introduce myself to Brian on 4 separate occasions as he can’t remember any one he has met.
So there we have my companion for one evening, this was going to be interesting. I had some dinner on the beach (possibly one of the greatest fish restaurants I have ever been to – Blue marlin cooked on a BBQ on the beach.) and then decided for a laugh to go to a Go Go bar. Now before I press on with this story, I would like to state for the record that my intentions were entirely honourable. I’m not particularly interested in contracting HIV. However I had heard that Go Go dancers are the masters of connect 4, so much so that in certain bars if you beat them they half your bill (Not your bar bill: the bill for other services rendered.) Well that was enough for me. I wanted to test the connect 4 theory, also see Brain attempt to have a conversation with a Go Go girl. He was up for going into one (naturally) so we headed of to “no problem bar”.
We found a suitably nasty establishment just up the road from the main strip, and walked in to a chorus of cat calls and goading from the Go go girls. Before I had even got to the bar (and the bar was empty apart from about 7 clearly bored prostitutes me, Brian and a moustachioed pimp). We set apon by 2 girls: “Aye and Dong”. I’m pleased to report, that despite being put off by Aye half attempting to sit on my lap, I destroyed her at connect 4. Brian, was not so impressive, with in about 30 minutes his whole “Oh I would never pay for sex, I don’t believe in it…” stance had gone straight out of the window.
“I’m going to take her home” he chuckled with a semi pleased with himself grin on his face, “you know just for a cuddle”.
“Sure Brian,” I replied. “ If you want a hug that bad pay me 2000 baht and I’ll give you one. Vulcanise your stump you dirty old bastard. In fact if i were you I would double up.”
So Brian stumbles off down the street with a Thai prostitute in tow, leaving me on my own surrounded in hookers.
“Right I’m off.”
“You want I come with you.” Said Aye.
“No thanks.”
“Whats wrong? You not have the power”
“Something like that Aye, but at least I can play connect 4.” With that I headed out of the bar, pleased with my performance, this was short lived as I was then chased off by a psychotic street dog.
I headed down to Lotus bar to keep drinking, i had the Dean Martin song stuck in my head: “ Just keep drinking, that’s what I’m thinking, because its what I love to do….”
At lotus #i bumped into Lynn, Steve, Kate and Will.
“Where have you been?”
“At a Go Go bar” I announced proudly to a collection of bemused and slightly concerned and disgusted eyes. “With Brian.” (this seemed to explain things a little bit.). The buckets flowed and I got even more shit faced with Will. As the bar closed we decided to head up to a shocker of a nightclub, usually packed with shitfaced backpacker tourists, ladyboys, divers and Go Go dancers.
As I enter I saw a familiar face – the Go Go dancer that Brian disappeared of with. She approached me a said Hello.
“ Hi”
“ Oh Hi Dong, erm, that was quick.”
“ You Brian’s Friend”
“Well more of an acquaintance…”
“ He take my bag, you get it back.”
“Sorry i don’t follow you?”
“ I go back to Brian, nothing happen, he started talking strange and then I left, but he has my bag.”
At this point I’m struggling containing my laughter
“He must be an incredible lover”. Dong was not laughing, she was looking pretty upset.
At this point a fat Thai guy comes over, fumbles with a chain around his neck and pulls out a police badge and asks me to step outside.
“ Oh great so, someone I hardly know fails to have sex with a prostitute and I get arrested. Awesome.”
I step out side and the Thai police man informs me that if I did not return the bag by 10am I would be taken in “for questioning”. His threats were slightly dubious as he was telling me this whilst having a piss up against a tree. Besides it was 4am, I had no idea where Brian lived and besides I did not really give a shit about the bag. The policeman stumbled off and I went back inside, I think this is where I met Joanna, Dino and Neasha. I had decided it would be funny to be extremely rude to everyone I met. Joanna asked me if I smoked and I told her that people who smoke are sick and wrong and should die painfully in a ditch on fire covered in their own coughed up black mucus. Then Will chipped in “What the fuck are you wearing”. It was true friendship from there on in. We all decided to go to some Rave party in the jungle, well someone decided I though I was going home but ended up in a pick up truck heading into the jungle at 5 am pissed out of my face with everyone wondering exactly how I had managed to get my self into this predicament. The rest is hazy, very hazy, I remember havng a balloon filled with laughing gas and somehow getting back to the beach to smoke ajoints and watch the sun come up. That felt particularly wrong as I was sat on more or less the same spot where I had watched it disappear, so I had been drinking for an entire day. People had got up, gone to work, had lunch come home watched east enders and gone to bed in the same time it took me to get utterly battered. Well done me.
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